Dear Parents-What I Wish You Knew

What I Wish You Knew...Teens' Advice to parents and other adults

Listen My advice to parents all over the world is this: Don't ask the questions you don't want to know the answers to, and if you do, listen to the reply. Every day in ninth grade my mother would ask me how school was, and when I, being a fifteen or sixteen year old in a high school full of drama, chaos and judgment, would reply 'horrible', my mother would get on my case about how I wasn't branching out enough and I was too shy, blah blah. Maybe I was. But that wasn't what she'd asked. She had simply asked me how my day was, and I obviously hadn't wanted to talk about it, given my one word response. So I eventually gave up, and would walk away when she asked me "how was your day?” When she got on my case about that I simply replied that I didn't need her to fix me. She told me to stop saying my day was horrible. So I lied to her. Every day, until she stopped asking me that question, I told her my day was "great, fantastic!" because she didn't really want to hear my answer… Parents, if you want to have a conversation with your kids, do it, but don't try and make it into an issue. Don't criticize them about how they feel and don't try and fix them with your advice. Just listen. That's all they really want.	Letters to her parents from 13 year old who feels like 30 dear mom; i know you try to be supermom, but don't; it’s impossible and stresses me out because your focus is to be super and not to really care. dear step-dad; i love you like my dad. but you have a one track mind. you need to learn to listen and not react. because if not. I’m gonna keep snapping at you. dear real-dad; i don't want you in my life, you make it hell and have since i was born. i mean, couldn't you have just been there instead of with another woman? stop promising me stuff that you're not gonna do; just leave me alone, that’s all i want from you. Sincerely, the thirteen year old that’s had so much trauma she’s thirty. new brunswick, canada.
Dear Parents ... What your kids have to say to you...
To be good parents, they should have a good memory.	Please realize that your children are really still children. We don’t like to admit it, but we really need you to act like parents. Someone needs to be in charge and it scares me when you always tell me to use my own judgment. I need you to be the parent so I can take my time growing up. I’m really not there yet!
Dear Mom, I wish you didn't worry so much about your weight. You worry about it a lot; your mother made you worry about your appearance to an unhealthy degree when you were growing up and you always have. I used to be unhappy about my appearance, even though I'm not overweight at all. I'm a dancer and I have a very athletic body, but nevertheless, I used to be highly uncomfortable with it. This year I decided to stop worrying. I'm very stubborn and when I set my mind to something, it's hard to dissuade me from my resolution. I know this method won't work for everyone, but I decided to stop worrying about my weight and instead be confident and happy, and I was able to change my mindset just like that. The truth is, I actually have a very beautiful body. I don't believe in judging people by their looks—everyone's true beauty is inside them — but by society's standards, I am a beautiful young woman. I've been so much happier and more comfortable with myself this year; not worrying about the way I look has taken a HUGE weight off my shoulders (no pun intended…). So many people (particularly women) are unhappy with their appearances. I used to be one of them, but now that I've gotten over that, I want everyone to make the change that I did and stop obsessing over their body images. It took me a long time to start thinking the way I now do, but now that I've changed my outlook, I'm impatient with other people who can't make the switch I have. I'm so much happier now and I want everyone to be able to achieve the contentment and comfort level that I have. I know that you love your kids more than anything and would never want to be overly critical of me or make me unduly uncomfortable, but you project your body image concerns onto me. You tell me I'm beautiful and I know you mean it, but you also told me that you thought a skirt I was wearing was unflattering. I'm not so much offended as I am concerned about why you said this. Everyone else (I'm not exaggerating) who has seen me wear that skirt thinks I look fantastic in it. I bought it because I thought it looked great on me. But you thought that just because it's short and I'm not as thin as a twig, it was unflattering. Eventually I told you how many compliments I've gotten on it and you accepted what I said and replied, "I stand corrected." I appreciate that; I just wish that you could feel comfortable enough about yourself to open your mind to the possibility that people who aren't sticks can have hot legs too. After my prom, you commented that you didn't think a girl in my prom group had a very flattering dress. She's a big girl and the dress was fairly short. I thought it looked really good on her and I told you so. I didn't only want to defend her; I genuinely thought it was a wonderful choice of an outfit for her. I felt that it was time for you to start realizing that you were/are overly conscious of your weight, so I said, "I think the dress looked really good on her. The idea that you have to be really skinny to wear short skirts is an idea from your generation. People have different ideas now. Many teenagers now don't think it's a shameful thing to show your legs even if they're a little big." I think you took what I said to heart and I'm very glad about that. I love you so much and I don't want anyone reading this letter to think that you're an unkind or unloving mother. We're a perfect fit for one another and I love you so much. You just have some insecurities—especially about your appearance — and unfortunately you haven't yet been able to face or overcome them. Well, I guess that's what the future is for. I just want you (and everyone else in the world) to realize that there's not just one type of beautiful. Love, T
People are supposed to be more important than THINGS. Right, Mom? Do you hear me, Mom? I’m only 13, but sometimes I think my values are better than yours. Not love, Ellen	Dear Mom & Dad, You stress me out by always telling me I’m stressed! For me, stress is a fact of life. Actually I think it is good for me because when I am too relaxed I am a total sloth. Like for example, finals week. Who doesn’t stress over finals? And anyway, what difference do you think it makes when you tell me not to be so nervous? Maybe I’m just a nervous kind of guy. You can’t suggest or order someone not to have their feelings.
I don’t know how long Starbucks has been putting sayings on its paper coffee cups, but I was there this morning and saying #280 on the back of my cup was like a personal message to MY father. So, read this, Dad. I couldn’t have said it better myself. “You can learn a lot more from listening than you can from talking. Find someone with whom you don’t agree in the slightest and ask them to explain themselves at length. Then take a seat, shut your mouth, and don’t argue back. It’s physically impossible to listen with your mouth open.” I wish I wrote these words, but the cup said the author was John Moe, Radio host and author of Conservatize Me.
Dear Mom, please read this. I wrote something in here. --Anonymous	Just be there for your kids. Don't wait until something happens then you say "you didn't listen to us." Be there everyday and everytime -- because after tomorrow your children will really appreciate your time and will take care of YOU. Your daughter, A.
Dear adults, Here’s some advice for you. Don’t keep telling me to stop wasting time. I want to stop to smell the roses and live for the moment, not for some imaginary future ideal that can never be reached. If you want to talk about problems with your kids, look at the culture that created it... yours. Take a real look, adults, and teenagers, both, at what we think we want, and the price we pay to get it. What do you think, worth it? Think about it. This advice courtesy of one kid in Illinois	It was only beer and I didn’t have that much anyway. Why are you always on my case? Anyway, I am not the only one. Why am I the only one of my whole group who has to get grounded? I cannot talk to you people! S.M. Age 15 St. Paul, MN
Listen My advice to parents all over the world is this: Don't ask the questions you don't want to know the answers to, and if you do, listen to the reply. Every day in ninth grade my mother would ask me how school was, and when I, being a fifteen or sixteen year old in a high school full of drama, chaos and judgement, would reply 'horrible', my mother would get on my case about how I wasn't branching out enough and I was too shy blah blah. Maybe I was. But that wasn't what she'd asked. She had simply asked me how my day was, and I obviously hadn't wanted to talk about it, given my one word response. So I eventually gave up, and would walk away when she asked me "how was your day?". When she got on my case about that I simply replied that I didn't need her to fix me. So she told me to stop saying my day was horrible. She told me that she'd rather hear me lie to her than have me not listen to her advice. So I lied to her. Every day, until she stopped asking me that question, I told her my day was "great, fantastic!" because she didn't really want to hear my answer. Parents, teens are not objects to be fixed. I've been in therapy since my sophomore year of high school because my parents are obsessed that I'm in need of fixing. But the therapist hasn't ever done anything to help me, I've helped myself over the years. Now I'm going off to college and I can't wait, because I get to make my own decisions, away from parents and prying questions. If you want to have a conversation with your kids, do it, but don't try and make it into an issue, don't criticize them about how they feel and don't try and fix them with your advice. Just listen. That's all they really want.'' Anne P.
Part of an essay written by a student new to America “… I am not trying to blame parents but my point is parents they are not doing a good job knowing what their children want at certain points of their lives. It is like they think that a parent’s job is to put food in the house and provide daily needs such as money for transportation, clothes etc shelter. It is no longer traditional family of being together, loving, caring and comforting each other--- no matter. I think I clearly understand why today we are all living in the selfish world. We are all living in the world of competition. It's all about pressure of money. Get educated and have money a house and a good job. We care too much about how we should look land and how we are viewed by others.”
"Fathers, you don't know everything. Don't act as if we are dumb.''	"At school we learn about world issues and we’re aware of the hatred that resides in the hearts of many. We know what that hatred can lead to … how can you not be stressed? ''
"Mothers, your work and friends aren't everything in life. You are still a mother and your children expect so much from you.'' A.	"Mom, this time I promise. I’ll never do it again. This will be my Mother's Day gift to you. I really promise. Please, say you’ll trust me again.''
A Two-Way Street * Comment by student: “And another thing, how much do parents share with us about their lives? Isn’t communication supposed to be a two-way street? Parents should talk too.” * Comment by one of the advisors: “As teens get older they want to be able to sit down and really get to know their parents, not only have their parents know them. Parents, do you keep all your feelings to yourself? Do you imply that everything is “just fine” when both of you know that this is not true. Are there concerns you have that would be appropriate to share with your child? It takes being aware of someone’s vulnerability to help him develop empathy -- on both sides.” The quote below is an old one. Something to think about… ”The master asked his student, ‘Do you love me?’ ‘Of course, master,’ the student replied. ‘Then tell me what hurts me.’ ‘That I do not know,’ said the student. ‘If you do not know what hurts me, then you cannot truly love me,’ taught the master.”
"Growing up these days is harder than most adults think. Now, more than ever, teenagers are faced with tough decisions. We are held to the highest expectations and faced with unbelievable pressures of competition, much more than I think my parents ever had. My mother told me her college application process consisted of going to the college counselor at her high school, writing an essay to get her into her state school and going out there and making her parents proud. What a joke! I wish I could write more now, but I’ve got to get out there and compete!''	"I’m just one kid from New York who has some advice for parents: What I wish you all could do is understand how we feel and how hard it is. Instead of always hassling us, cut us some slack. Help us out instead of always being so hard on us and expecting so much. Did you ever think that it might just be too much! It’s hard to live up to the expectations of parents all the time when you have a lot to deal with, and pressures can really set us off. Sure, we may seem moody, but, trust me, we have a lot on our minds. Parents should understand since they went through the same things. Remember how it felt to have so much pressure on you? Well, we have more! There’s a lot you guys just don’t know." --Tim, age 15, Manhattan, New York USA
"Teens had fewer things to worry about when our parents were kids. They told me that sometimes they didn’t even lock their doors. They didn’t have to worry about being raped or kidnapped. Now it’s dangerous just to be walking home alone at night. Or just going to a college class in Virginia in the morning.''	"Here’s some advice for my parents: Pay some attention to me. I read in a book that Elie Weisel said that the opposite of love is not hate, but that it’s indifference. So please don’t be so indifferent to me. It makes me feel invisible and like you don’t love me. Maybe this is good advice for other people’s parents too." Sheila, age 15
"Stress is more common now than in the past, because there are lots more things to be stressed about."	"My message to my parents is to Get Your OWN Life!''
-Respect my decisions & opinions more -Take interest in my likes and interests -Not get so worried about school work -Explain reason behind action -Make an effort to talk about important issues I’m faced with -Pay more attention to what is happening in my life now- than what I will be in the future -Hear what I say and realize that, even though I’m growing up, I still need your comfort and help -Be responsive to when I want to share and when I don’t want to talk --From Jeremy, 12 years old
"Dear Dad, I read this really cool saying that you should read too. It’s only four words: “Speak less; Listen more.” My advice to you is not to talk so much. Maybe then I’d listen more. Sometimes you can be so totally annoying the only thing I can do is just tune you out. I really hope you read this.'' Your Son	"Mom, I know I give you a hard time, but sometimes I just can’t help it. My advice to you is to NOT take it so personally, and just let me be, and know it’s not really about you. I know I don’t always act like it, but I really do love you. p.s. I’m glad I can write this anonymously because I’d probably never say this out loud. I’d be embarrassed and feel like too much of a dork.''
"Listen! Parents, I wish you know how much we want to be heard. We want you to know how much we think what we have to say matters and can make a difference. I wish you could hear us, really hear us. Please take some time out of your hectic, and sometimes too busy, lives to sit down and just listen to what we have to say." Meghan, age 16, Santa Monica, California	"It isn't an uncommon thing to hear parents say, 'What stresses could you possibly have? You are a child whose only responsibility is to go to school and obtain a decent grade point average!' Adults pay very little attention to how things have evolved since their childhoods and they haven'trealized that the advancement of technology has definitely played a role in the not so 'kiddy' childhood of today."
As children, we are taught about diversity and encouraged to embrace the differences that make each of us unique. We are distinguished by our race, gender, religion, ethnicity, and even the way we dress. How is it then that, in this effort to accept everyone for how different they are, we overlook our most evident similarities? bove all else, we are human beings who crave love and acceptance. While most teens cannot identify with the experience of living in a refugee camp, like many African kids have done, they can empathize with feelings of solitude and fear and loss. They can feel and imagine, and they can have compassion. Adolescents across the globe are looking for a safer, brighter future in which they can pursue personal goals. All are coming across obstacles that prevent them from doing so. Whether it is war, poverty, abuse, or illness, teens of different cultures are living in the same world of uncertainty and anxiety. In a way, our differences complement our similarities. Our countries may be at war with each other politically, or may be excluded from global attention as a whole, but we as people share so much. Thus, it is not surprising when two youths from completely different cultures find that they both are concerned about getting a good education, making a difference locally, or even overcoming some personal anxieties, like problems with dating. When these kids can come together, they do not only speak about their individual lives. They get the opportunity to listen, to really hear each other. When they talk together, and can respect each other and honor their differences, then maybe they can also see their similarities. Hopefully, they can be future leaders and major motivators of change, young people who respect each other’s views about living in today’s world, kids who talk with (not at) one another. That’s what our group is trying to do. Victoria U. Student, Northwestern University Member of Whatiwishyouknew Steering Committee
"Too many parents think, 'My kid gets good grades, doesn’t do drugs, and gets home by curfew. I’m a good parent.' "	"I wish you knew how stressful life has become for teenagers today.''
"I wish my parents knew that I was a real person.''	"I wish you would love me. I wish you would let me make my own choices. I wish you would control me for my own good.''
"I wish you could accept that I'm not going to live my life exactly as you wish, but I want you to support me anyway.''	"I wish you would stop trying to protect me from your problems. Maybe if you didn't, I'd come to you with some of mine. ''
"I wish you knew what it was like for us to watch television, see a movie, read a magazine, or see a billboard. I wish you could take television back to simpler time, to a time with less violence and bad language. Keep the movies and TV with all their special effects and graphics. Make them all filled with more laughter and less violence and hatred. Take all the ads out of the magazines glorifying all the thin and beautiful people. Let everyday ordinary people wear the clothes, shoes and make-up. After all that's who's buying all these products. Take down all the billboards for cigarettes and alcohol. We don't want to be told it's okay to smoke and drink. I wish you could take all the labels off the clothes. Let us all look more natural. Make it so we are accepted for who we are and not what we look like. I wish you knew what it feels like to wake up every day, go to school, see every one in the right clothes, driving the right car, and worrying about their make-up all before eight am. I’m in the 11th grade in a high school in the USA and these are some of the things I wish.''
"Too much of a good thing -- most parents don't realize that too much support leads to too much anxiety."	“Much of our time is spent onvarious forms of entertainment that we perceive as necessities.”
"If I were a mountain, my parents would expect me to be at the top so that I could rule it."	"It seems that it is never good enough for us to be who we really are; we are constantly being pressured to do more. Much of our stress emanates from the pressure society places on being the best.''
"At some point, we must realize that children are just that -- children.''	HOME